Just 3 years ago, I wasn't even sure I would be able to continue to raise him. The depression I suffered was so severe that I was having suicidal thoughts and thoughts (only thoughts, never acted on) of hurting my children. You may be thinking to yourself that you could never think that and I hope you're right, but I never in my worst nightmares imagined I would have those thoughts either. Or maybe you've been there like me and you know exactly what I'm talking about. I never, never had any intentions behind those thoughts, they just kept popping into my head. I think my brain was under so much stress that it was just trying to cope.
My depression was a culmination of many things. First and foremost was my un-resolved anger towards my mom. Strangely, growing up and as a young adult, I was never resentful of my mom. In fact, we were always close. But somewhere over the years, I began to resent her for my belief that she didn't protect me from abuse. I'm not sure when it started, but it built and built and it finally crescendoed and I was on the verge of losing my whole extended family or so I perceived. Along with that, I was suffering from post-partum depression, the sheer agony of having to give up breast feeding after only 4 months, a at-the-time undiagnosed 3 year old with Asperger's Syndrome and sensory issues, an infant with food issues so severe that a miniscule amount of offending food would set us down a path of pain and suffering, a move from one state to another, and probably many other minor things I'm not thinking of.
The depression was so dark, it really left me feeling hopeless. I remember rocking Mr. Gusto (my youngest son) as an infant, in his dark bedroom, crying and crying. I couldn't go out of the house with the boys by myself because the thought was overwhelming. What was WRONG with me? I'd made it through so many difficult things in my life, why couldn't I get through this?
After a terribly wrong diagnosis by a psychiatrist, I went through an ordeal I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies (well, maybe one or two, LOL.) I suffered severe side effects from the prescription medications he prescribed and then even worse withdrawal symptoms from those same medications. I was in the hospital several times. I was close to losing everything.
When I finally stopped ALL the medications and emerged from this "perfect storm," I was committed to being my own advocate, to becoming healthy in my mind, body and spirt, to not trusting every word someone said just because they had the initials M.D. behind their name, or they worked for a governmental agency that was supposedly established to protect U.S. citizens. And I began to dig and read, and read some more. And what I found was shocking.
Mainly, I found that staff of government agencies and private businesses were choosing to sacrifice the lives of adults AND children, the most vulnerable, for the sake of money in their pockets. (Boy, karma is going to be hell for those people.)
But I also found that I didn't have to do everything that those same government agencies recommend and I could make my own choices about my and my children's care. I found a community of people that believes in loving themselves and others and that believes that there IS peace in this world, despite what the media would have you believe. In this community, I have found a way to release all my anger and resentment and to radiate love wherever I go. As a result, I am attracting only people that are as loving or more loving than I am. The people who aren't...well, they've either left my life or have changed when they're around me.
So, when I sit down to sign releases for my son to get special education services, I'm thrilled, not only because he gets the help he needs, but because I am here to experience it.
