Excited about Special Education services?

As I sit and sign the paperwork to get The Artist into Special Education services at school, I'm actually excited. That sounds weird....Who in their right mind wants their child in Special Ed.? I know it means help for him though. We are fortunate to be in a school district and school that truly cares about the individual needs of the students. I know in my heart as I sit here that my son is going to be a success in life. I know that I've done and will do everything in my power to give him all the opportunities he needs to succeed.

Just 3 years ago, I wasn't even sure I would be able to continue to raise him. The depression I suffered was so severe that I was having suicidal thoughts and thoughts (only thoughts, never acted on) of hurting my children. You may be thinking to yourself that you could never think that and I hope you're right, but I never in my worst nightmares imagined I would have those thoughts either. Or maybe you've been there like me and you know exactly what I'm talking about. I never, never had any intentions behind those thoughts, they just kept popping into my head. I think my brain was under so much stress that it was just trying to cope.

My depression was a culmination of many things. First and foremost was my un-resolved anger towards my mom. Strangely, growing up and as a young adult, I was never resentful of my mom. In fact, we were always close. But somewhere over the years, I began to resent her for my belief that she didn't protect me from abuse. I'm not sure when it started, but it built and built and it finally crescendoed and I was on the verge of losing my whole extended family or so I perceived. Along with that, I was suffering from post-partum depression, the sheer agony of having to give up breast feeding after only 4 months, a at-the-time undiagnosed 3 year old with Asperger's Syndrome and sensory issues, an infant with food issues so severe that a miniscule amount of offending food would set us down a path of pain and suffering, a move from one state to another, and probably many other minor things I'm not thinking of.

The depression was so dark, it really left me feeling hopeless. I remember rocking Mr. Gusto (my youngest son) as an infant, in his dark bedroom, crying and crying. I couldn't go out of the house with the boys by myself because the thought was overwhelming. What was WRONG with me? I'd made it through so many difficult things in my life, why couldn't I get through this?

After a terribly wrong diagnosis by a psychiatrist, I went through an ordeal I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies (well, maybe one or two, LOL.) I suffered severe side effects from the prescription medications he prescribed and then even worse withdrawal symptoms from those same medications. I was in the hospital several times. I was close to losing everything.

When I finally stopped ALL the medications and emerged from this "perfect storm," I was committed to being my own advocate, to becoming healthy in my mind, body and spirt, to not trusting every word someone said just because they had the initials M.D. behind their name, or they worked for a governmental agency that was supposedly established to protect U.S. citizens. And I began to dig and read, and read some more. And what I found was shocking.

Mainly, I found that staff of government agencies and private businesses were choosing to sacrifice the lives of adults AND children, the most vulnerable, for the sake of money in their pockets. (Boy, karma is going to be hell for those people.)

But I also found that I didn't have to do everything that those same government agencies recommend and I could make my own choices about my and my children's care. I found a community of people that believes in loving themselves and others and that believes that there IS peace in this world, despite what the media would have you believe. In this community, I have found a way to release all my anger and resentment and to radiate love wherever I go. As a result, I am attracting only people that are as loving or more loving than I am. The people who aren't...well, they've either left my life or have changed when they're around me.

So, when I sit down to sign releases for my son to get special education services, I'm thrilled, not only because he gets the help he needs, but because I am here to experience it.

Trying To Get Into My Child's Mind

Since my oldest son, The Artist (going to call him this from now on in these posts), was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and dysgraphia, I catch myself looking at him and just wondering what is going on in that brain of his.

I've started reading Thinking in Pictures by Temple Grandin. Temple is an adult woman diagnosed with high-functioning autism as a child. In short, she says that she sees life in pictures, that her thoughts are like a running DVD of pictures. It has been very enlightening to try to put The Artist into her place. He definitely sees things in pictures, now that I know what that is.

He is currently reading and spelling and we are working on handwriting as well. So, one activity he does is sit down at the white-board on his exercise ball and I give him words to write. On his own, he came up with this followup. After writing the word (they are usually nouns), he draws a picture of the word. Sometimes he does it WordWorld (kids' TV show) style--making a picture out of the word itself. Imagine the word "bug" with antennae and a tail and you get the idea.

I started paying more attention to what he notices. His memory is excellent and I've realized that the things he remembers the best are ones that have strong visual cues. For instance, we went into an Austin art store a couple of years ago. It's a very neat store if you draw or paint. The store is right next to I-35 in Austin which is the main thoroughfare through Austin. Outside the store is a huge male figure that is their icon. Very noticeable. Well, he and I don't travel into Austin much together anymore (we live in a small town and tend to do most of our shopping and errands in the suburbs) but had occasion to do so a couple of weeks ago. As we passed the store (Jerry's Artarama for those of you in the Austin area), he said without hesitation, "There's the art store!" This is only one example, but I'm noticing it more and more.

What I'm trying to figure out is how to use this thought process to enable him to learn. We've been looking things up on the internet more so that he can see pictures of the topic we're discussing. But it is just an interesting process to try to put myself in his brain and figure out how he thinks. Books like Temple's make it an easier process. I have many of the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome and one of those is to think in very black-and-white terms. I have difficulty thinking broadly so this is a challenge for me.

Have you ever really tried to get inside someone else's body and think like they do? I think it's a common struggle with men and women because we think so differently, but I don't believe we go into a concerted effort to get inside their minds like I'm trying to with The Artist. I do think this is common for parents of special-needs kids, but probably in other situations I'm not thinking of as well. (I did say I think in black and white, remember?)

My son is diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome

Yes, that's right, last Monday I received the news that my 5 1/2 year old son's test results had been reviewed by the pediatric neurologist and that they were "consistent with Asperger's." We meet with the neurologist again on Monday, the 22nd to get his recommendations. So far with the Sensory Processing Disorder diagnosis, his recommendations have been for occupational therapy and supplements (CoQ10, B vitamins, and Omega-3s.) But I wonder what he will recommend now.

Some people consider Asperger's high-functioning autism and some people don't want it associated with autism at all. I'm not sure where I fall in this debate but having the diagnosis definitely makes me think about the ramifications of both.

I handled the news really well I think, although it took some time for it to really sink in. After completing the questionnaire, I suspected he would probably come back with the Asperger's diagnosis. But it's always difficult when you finally hear it. I went through the typical emotions of sadness, anger and grieving, but I quickly reached the point of "I am going to do everything I have to so that my son LOSES the diagnosis." And I know it's possible, because other people have been successful doing this with their kids who have Asperger's, autism, and SPD diagnoses.

Since we have been gluten-free for a couple of years now, I don't have the learning curve that many parents do when considering biomedical approaches to treating autism spectrum disorders. We do consume real milk rather than traditional store-bought milk and I need to do some research into whether it can be an issue like store-bought milk often is. My other son and I have been able to tolerate it well where we couldn't tolerate store-bought milk at all.

I think the part I personally struggle with the most is understanding the science behind all of these disorders (autism, ADHD, allergies and asthma). Biology and chemistry were never my strong suit but suddenly in addition to being a mother, I also need to be a scientist.

I will be doing tons of reading (as if that's anything new) and will especially be looking at herbal solutions as I think herbs are God's medicine. I hope you will join me on this journey and that you will share your stories of grieving, as well as of hope. We're all in this together.